“Doubting Thomas” – Nickel Creek
“What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me…
Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted,
I'm a doubting Thomas,
I'll take your promise,
Though I know nothin's safe,
Oh me of little faith…
~~~~~~~~~~
To Whom It May Concern,
Hello. My name is Joelle and I am a “Doubting Thomas.” I’ve known this for a while now and it hasn’t been easy to accept, but accept it I have. It has taken some time to get used to the idea, considering the stigma attached to this title. I’ve gone through all the stages. I’ve denied it. I’ve acknowledged it with much humiliation. Then came the weeping, the shame, some anger…then acceptance.
I had it all wrong, you see. I thought it shameful to lack belief such as Thomas, to demand physical evidence that Christ had risen from the dead. Does it not say “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed,” in John 20:29? Thomas was less of an apostle, less of a man, less of a Christian than the others for he only believed after seeing Christ for himself.
And I was just like him. I still am just like him.
I want to touch Christ. To see him, touch his wounds, and bow before his physical presence. But that’s not such a bad thing. In fact, it’s what Michael Williams claims most profoundly in Far As The Curse Is Found as very good. Thomas was incredibly right to want physical evidence. The rest of the disciples received physical evidence, such as Peter and John witnessing Jesus’ empty tomb, or Mary who also saw the Lord. “Jesus Christ bodily risen from the grace, was the crucial item that moved them to believe,” Williams states.
In John 20:28, Thomas finally exclaims “My Lord and my God!” He touches Jesus’ wounds and cries what we all ought to, what I ought to. Turns out I was wrong…it’s ok to need evidence. In fact, it’s right and good to desire God reveal himself.
“Will I discover a soul saving love, or just the dirt above and below me?” sings Chris Thile of the bluegrass band Nickel Creek. Today there are a constant slew of questions on the airwaves, the internet, and the written word. Amidst this age of information a very basic question is, to many, left unanswered. The safety and security of many rests in the need to know there is a God…with soul-saving love.
Why do we think it was anything but the same for those in the ancient Far East? Israel made it a habit of forgetting God’s covenant, slipping into idolatry, and then complaining when things started to go downhill. She forgot...she doubted. Abraham and Isaac, two of Israel’s most revered forefathers, place their wives in danger to save their own skins from powerful kings. “Rather than following God’s lead, responding faithfully to his initiative, both try to force the fulfillment of God’s promise by devious means,” Williams writes. “Both fear the power of kings more than they trust the promise of God. If there is a moral message in the response of the patriarchs, it is the proposition that often the greatest threat to the kingdom of God is the people of God.”
“The people of God.” He held them in his palm yet they forgot his promise. The 21st century is not any different. Fear and doubt reign though Christ is revealed every day. He is revealed within scripture, through the beauty of creation, in his promises kept…and in those still to come.
Adam and Eve doubted. Abraham doubted. Isaac doubted. Moses doubted. I doubt today. But you know what God does? He could throw his hand in the air with a huff and exclaim, “I’m tired of revealing myself to you! Won’t you ever get it?” But he doesn’t. Instead he continually reminds us of his promises. His promises begin with Adam and Eve, Abraham, and Moses. When he reveals the covenant name of “Yahweh,” to Moses he is saying “I am the one who keeps promises. I am the one who is always faithful. I am the one who is there for my people. I am the one who is here for you. I am the one who acts on your behalf.”
This covenant doesn’t end in the Old Testament but simply continues into the New Testament as well. In Mark 9, the story of the man and his demon-possessed son is told. He pleads with Jesus to heal his son, “if you can do anything, have compassion on us.” This man confesses to Jesus himself that he lacks belief….that he doubts.
Jesus heals the man’s son. He could have said no because this man doubted, but just as he did with Moses he does for this man. “I believe; help my unbelief!” cries the man. And that’s just what Jesus does. He helps his unbelief.
Do you see why I am proud to now call myself a “Doubting Thomas”? I could just as well call myself “the doubting father,” “Doubting Moses,” or “Doubting Abraham.” Though I doubt, it is backed by the need for truth, the desire to know God, and confirmation that I somehow fit in His Story. Guess what? I do fit in that story; God fulfills my desire to know him, and reveals his truth daily.
And what is his truth? That Yahweh redeems…that Christ redeems…that God redeems. He redeems and provides…and reigns. Despite my continual doubt, my constant need for reassurance and “proof,” he has kept his covenant! Just as Thomas exclaims “My Lord and my God!” so should I. Every day. From the streets of St. Louis.
What about you? Do you doubt? I’m sure you do. It’s ok…but do you think it might be time to confess “help me with my unbelief!”? What is the worst that can happen? That God will say “YES” to your cry? May it be so!
Thanks for listening “Whom.”
- Joelle
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